New Uncyclopedia article: Elizabeth Warren destroys the universe

 UnNews:Elizabeth Warren destroys the universe

Damn liberals are destroying the universe!

I love how my 1/16th Native American heritage beats liberal darling Elizabeth Warren's supposed 1/32nd. The best part is that I didn't even have to research anything. I simply walked into the living room and asked my great-grandmother how much Indian blood she has. Trust me, if you actually saw her, you wouldn't doubt at all that she was roughly half-Cherokee.

Still, it's almost eye-rolling how the media and the political systems treat this like it's a real controversy, as if the ethnicity of Elizabeth Warren's great-great-great grandmother from the 1800s should matter to Massachusetts voters. Maybe they want to reinstate segregation?

Thus, with the power of pseudoscience and hyperbole, I sci-fi'd that shit up and made it as though the fate of the entire universe rests on Elizabeth Warren's heritage. This way I get to drop throwaway gags about the crying Indian and Stephen Hawking crapping himself.