Saturday, June 23, 2012

New articles: Constellations and pop music


This is mostly about the Ethiopian princess in Greek mythology, although there is some passing reference to the name in astronomical significance and the sci-fi series. I'm thinking that most people who type in "Andromeda" in the search box will looking for the show, only to find a bunch of crap about Greek mythology and one piddly paragraph insulting it.

I alluded to the fact that I actually do hope I can name my future daughter 'Andromeda'. However, I figure the only way that is possible is to marry an even bigger astronomy geek than myself, or maybe a black chick.


This isn't so much a parody as an annoying homage. My favorite reference is the one to Groundhog Day. The day I wrote most of this and moved it to mainspace, Groundhog Day came on tv that night, so I added the animated gif.

Sunday, May 13, 2012

New Uncyclopedia article: Elizabeth Warren destroys the universe

 UnNews:Elizabeth Warren destroys the universe

Damn liberals are destroying the universe!

I love how my 1/16th Native American heritage beats liberal darling Elizabeth Warren's supposed 1/32nd. The best part is that I didn't even have to research anything. I simply walked into the living room and asked my great-grandmother how much Indian blood she has. Trust me, if you actually saw her, you wouldn't doubt at all that she was roughly half-Cherokee.

Still, it's almost eye-rolling how the media and the political systems treat this like it's a real controversy, as if the ethnicity of Elizabeth Warren's great-great-great grandmother from the 1800s should matter to Massachusetts voters. Maybe they want to reinstate segregation?

Thus, with the power of pseudoscience and hyperbole, I sci-fi'd that shit up and made it as though the fate of the entire universe rests on Elizabeth Warren's heritage. This way I get to drop throwaway gags about the crying Indian and Stephen Hawking crapping himself.

Monday, April 23, 2012

Jewish Clay Aiken

I made this for an upcoming Uncyclopedia article parodying that dreidel song, Clay Aiken and his often joked-about sexual orientation. It's so freaking beautiful, am I right?

"I got 99 problems..."

More musical bollocks made famous thanks to the powa of the Internets.

This is actually worse than Rebecca Black's Friday, in my opinion. At least that one was catchy and bad in kind of a good way. This is just lame; very annoying. Of course, I'm sure after I watch it dozens of times (and it's inevitable that I will), it'll become an earworm buried deep into my brain to the point that I like it against my free will, à la The Wrath of Khan.

Saturday, April 21, 2012

New Uncyclopedia article: The Return of Dick Clark's Balls

UnNews:Dick Clark dies; testicles live on

In 2009, I wrote UnNews:Dick Clark's Ball Drops for New Year's Eve. Considering Dick Clark kicked the proverbial bucket this week, I had to write a follow-up. While the original was stupid for the sake of stupid, the sequel epitomizes stupidity.

And what better Uncyclopedian tribute to Dick Clark than an obsessive focus on his genitals?

I threw as many jokes and non-sequitors against the wall to see what would stick. I pointed out the fact that his cameos on Futurama are ruined now that he's been cremated. Really, it wouldn't be that big of a deal if he didn't appear in the freaking pilot. I also referenced the Naked Pope, a running joke from another Uncyclopedian I know.

The best part was that I got to use that testicle image for the third time. I wrote this last year as a goof - and partly to annoy one of the news bureaucrats - and it caused a minor shitstorm. As my own running joke, I post that pic in news articles whenever possible. I'm going to milk those balls dry. So to speak.

There is nothing Freudian going on here.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012


"Remember, it's better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt." - Lisa Simpson

Welcome to my blizzog. No, I am not Snoop Dogg.

Yes, I'm so white that I can run naked in the snow to escape a hired assassine against me.